孤島與海：一位女性肢體障礙者的回家之路

Abstract

這是一個以「憤怒」為出發的故事，一位在主流教育場域的身心障礙生，因為受到制度的「擠壓」而嘗試挪動自己，走入障礙運動場域，卻經驗不安、渾沌與擺盪，而開始看見自己因疾病致殘的身體所承載的「凝視」與生命所擔負的「咒詛」，故而，試圖掙脫社會的既有框架，急於建構障礙認同，卻在「障礙者/一般人」之間擺盪，經歷反覆的掙扎與拉扯。 我原以為書寫便能帶我找到控訴社會的發聲位置，然故事的書寫卻帶我看見憤怒底下所藏的是對生命的「自卑」與對家人的「愧疚」。同時因為手足的生命困境，敲撞過去藉外在成就，肯定自我價值的世界觀，讓我無以迴避自己對生命存有的質疑。從而故事開始轉向，回頭書寫疾病、家庭和求學故事，看見和理解我的「菁英養成之路」，也踏上為自己的心靈尋求歸依的「回家之路」。 爬梳生命故事，是苦澀的路途。在讀見作為身心障礙者，自身與家人在體制之下的生命樣貌後，與自己「和解」成為可能。「痛和苦」指引我跨過向外「證明」生命值得存在，到向內「肯認」自己的生命。 然而，由憤怒而起的故事，仍在持續—解構「障礙標籤」和解放「障礙思維」，將是我與我的殘缺身體的實踐方向⋯⋯

This is a story that starts from my anger. Because of the oppression I experienced, I, a student with a physical disability who was used to being in the mainstream education field, tried to move myself to the disability rights movements field. In the course, however, I felt uncertainty, chaos and confuse, and I also reflected upon the stare and the curse on my cripple body. I then struggled to release from old frameworks that constrained me, at the same time to build the identity of disability toward my own body. The struggling was also intervened with “being disabled' and 'being able' repeatedly. Originally, I considered the writing as the way to find an utter position to accuse the mainstream society of its unfriendliness and prejudice. However, it developed more meanings to me. Despite the story started from my anger, it then proceeded and revealed more exactly the sense of inferiority and the guilt for my family. My brother’s career challenges also changed my worldview from pursuing outside achievement to facing the issue of life being. It was at the point that the story turned around. I then looked back to write about my illness, my family and school life, understanding my way of becoming an elite, and then stepped my way to find the belonging of my mind. The retrospection of this life story is bitter. After the realization of my family member, and myself it is possible to settle with myself. The sufferings in it become the guidance that helps me build self-identity from outward to inward. The story, however, is still in process. The deconstruction of “the stigma of disability” and the emancipation from “the thoughts of disability” will continue to be the direction of my body and me…