只想當個快樂「跨」人-在多元脈絡下生命經驗敘說

Abstract

以自我生命經驗敘事的方式，書寫身為跨性別的我，一路的生命奇遇與各種不友善的二元性別文化種種經歷，最後與我跨性別身分和解、接納並且活出自我的光明色彩。在論文中，我重新書寫與整理自己生命故事脈絡，包括了，美術班的成長背景、與身邊的人脈絡文化互動、社工的實習之路、與公職路上的性別霸凌、原民文化交織自己的性別身分與同婚法的啟發，最後以朝著「女性」姿態真實地生活並面對自我，還有好好地擁抱自己。 我用性別展演（gender performativity）與性別認同理論去描述傳統刻板性別二元概念對我的影響，以及造成的傷害；接著描述我是如何在這些脈絡認識自己、理解自己與因應這些既定的二元制度的框架，並從中因應或是提出反抗、尋找屬於我的自我認同、肯認我在二元刻板制度中展現的自我以及自我的身心靈洗滌，藉此面對自我的生命軌跡，而不繼續逃避。最後，我嘗試讓閱讀我作品的讀者理解，「跨性別身分」是我的生命故事脈絡中的一種身分，不以此為覺得自己可悲，而能讓更多性少數得以看見二元制度的傳統性別刻板印象下，也有自我的容身之處。 經歷了性別曖昧期，到跨出成為一個跨性別身分的「跨人」來說，破解性少數對於二元性別刻板印象不友善的生活的壓抑，藉此顯露出跨性別身分主體的自我與能動性，陪伴那些一樣經歷相同歷程的跨性別者們，也好好地擁抱及挖掘跨性別者生命經驗的主體性。希望經過書寫這樣決定性別認同與和解自我的故事後，也能讓更多社會大眾看見跨性別的生命故事與理解和跨性別一樣的性少數，也有類似這樣的議題與挑戰，也喚起社會大眾對於性別二元分類有更多元的價值觀，而非強迫分類性別光譜，忽視跨性別們與性少數群體的獨一無二與自主性。對於性少數論文而言，這篇論文是少數的跨性別生命故事經驗自我敘說的研究論文，也拓展台灣跨性別研究的領域與多樣性，讓多元性別更能發光發熱。

This thesis narrates through the lens of my personal life experiences, presenting about my journey as a transgender individual, recounting the various extraordinary encounters and the myriad challenges posed by the unfriendly binary gender culture. Ultimately, I reconcile with my transgender identity, accept it, and embrace the bright side of my life as my true self. In this thesis, I recompose and organize the context of my life story, including my growth in art class, interactions with the people around me, social work internships, gender bullying encountered in the civil service, the intertwining of indigenous culture with my gender identity, and the inspiration from the same-sex marriage law. Finally, I focus on living and facing myself authentically as a "woman" and wholeheartedly embracing myself. I use gender performativity and gender identity theories to describe the impact and harm of traditional stereotypical binary gender concepts on me. I then explain how I came to know and understand myself within these contexts, as well as how I deal with the established frameworks of the binary system, seeking ways to resist, discover my self-identity, and acknowledge what am I within the binary stereotypical system. This journey has been a purification of my body, mindset, and spirit, allowing me to face my life instead of continuing to evade it. Ultimately, I aim to help readers to understand that "transgender identity" is one aspect of my life. I do not see it as a cause for pity but as a way to make it possible for more sexual minorities to find their place within the traditional binary gender stereotypes. Having experienced a period of gender ambiguity and then stepping into the identity of being a "trans person," I aim to break the oppressive nature of the binary gender stereotypes that are unfriendly to sexual minorities, helping the transgenders to embracing and exploring the subjectivity of transgender life experiences and accompanying those who go through similar journeys. Through writing this story of gender identity and self-reconciliation, I hope to allow more of society to see and understand the life stories of transgender individuals. This can also people to take more care on similar issues and challenges faced by other sexual minorities. It will awaken the public to more diverse values regarding gender beyond the forced classification of the gender spectrum, acknowledging the uniqueness and autonomy of transgender and sexual minority groups. As a thesis on sexual minorities, this research paper represents one of the few self-narratives of a transgender life story, expanding the field and diversity of transgender studies, and hoped to allow the brilliance of diverse genders to shine more brightly in Taiwan.