年過半百做自己：三位中老年女同志的婚姻經驗與情慾實踐

Abstract

本文對三位具有婚姻經驗的中老年女同志進行口述歷史訪談與參與觀察，探討中老年女同志走入異性戀婚姻的歷程與經驗，以及她們如何因應同性情慾的需求與異性戀婚姻制度的規範，並進一步討論中老年女同志如何經驗與面對老化。 研究發現，由於這三位中老年女同志皆成長於戒嚴時期，在她們求學的年代不僅沒有言論自由，也看不見「同志」。她們經歷適婚年齡的1980年代是「同性戀」浮上檯面被官方和媒體汙名化對待的時刻。當時的社會看不見「同志」，同志也看不見彼此，因此結婚不是一種「選擇」，而是一種必然的安排。婚後身為漢人家庭結構中的母親和媳婦，她們為了家務責任而犧牲工作上的成就，但中產階級的經濟優勢則緩解了她們在婚姻關係中的性別弱勢。此外，在婚姻中她們都曾努力的經營夫妻關係，卻在經歷屢次的挫折後，發現並面對自己所欲追求的是同性伴侶之間的愛和感情。九零年代歷經社會運動的變革，她們得以接觸另一種T-bar文化之外的女同志組織及其所發行的雜誌刊物，也因此有更多拓展同性情慾的機會。隨著數位化時代的來臨，她們因應職場需求而學習電腦技術，而得以在新興的女同志網路社群結識彼此。此外，「老化」對中老年女同志而言並非失去，她們因為子女的成長而得以逐漸卸下家庭照顧的責任，並因此擁有更多的自由去追求自己想要的生活；而生命的歷練也使她們更懂得如何經營同志伴侶的關係。逐漸步入老年的她們坦然面對身體的老化，以促進健康為前提，探討各種養生之道和心靈的成長，對不同形式的伴侶關係也有多元的實踐經驗。 據此，本研究建議應正視同志公民權，在教育的過程中，應對同志伴侶及多元家庭有更清楚和平等的認識，並應盡速推行同志婚姻法制化或民事伴侶法，以因應同志公民的需求及多元家庭的興起。此外，未來在規畫老年福利政策時，也應將同志公民的需求納入考量

In this thesis, by oral life history interviewing and participant observation to three middle-to-old lesbians who have marriage experience, I want to study the progress and experience that middle-to-old lesbians stepped into the heterosexual marriage and how they responded to the love toward women and the rule came from heterosexual marriage. Furthermore, I want to discuss how they face up to become older. Because these three middle-to-old lesbians were born in martial law era, they had no freedom of speech and consequently had no idea about “gay” or “lesbian”. In their marriageable age, 1980s, homosexuality is stigmatized. At that time, gay were invisible for people, and even gay were blind to each other. In this situation, marriage is not only an option but a necessity. To be a mother and a wife under Chinese culture, they have to sacrifice work for family; however owing to their middle class position, the gender inequality which between she and her husband has decreased. Besides, they had ever worked hard for their marriage, but failed repeatedly, then they discovered that what they eager for is the love between the same sex. Pass through the society revolution in 90s, they recognized another lesbian organization and its publication different from the T-bar culture; hence, they got more opportunities to develop their love toward women. Accompanied by digital era, they started to learn computer techniques corresponding to job requirement; in addition to know others in rising lesbian social networks. In additional, as far as middle-to-old lesbian's concerned, aging does not equal to lose. They can gradually disburden the responsibility of taking care of families as their children are growing up; therefore, they have much more free time to seek the life they want. The life practice makes they possess more wisdom to understand how to manage the relationship with her same-sex partner. Under the promise of promoting health, they honestly face to the physical aging and discuss a variety of health-preserving methods and mental growth. They also have practice of diverse forms of partnership. On the basis of this thesis, I suggest that people should face up to gay civil rights. In the process of education, it should provide more clear and equal recognition with the issue of same-sex couple and multi-dimensional family, and boost the legalization of same-sex marriage or civil pact of solidarity in order to cope with the demands of citizen and the rise of multi-dimensional family. In the future,when government plan about elderly welfare policy, the requirement of gay and lesbian citizens should be taken into account.